


Commentary for "you looked at death in a tarot card (and you saw what you had to do)" written by SashaSea and podficced by Flowerparrish

by Flowerparrish



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Author Commentary, Author Interview, Commentary for a Fic, Commentary for a Podfic, Headcanon, Mention of Sexual Assault from Extra Canon Content, Other, Podficcer Commentary, Podficcer Interview, discussion of canon-typical violence, unpopular opinions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24393775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flowerparrish/pseuds/Flowerparrish
Summary: Author and podficcer commentary on the writing and podficcing process, as well as backstory, tidbits, sequel talk, and general fandom talk/headcanons.[Short Version Length: 35 minutes][Long Version Length: 1 hour and 10 minutes]
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4
Collections: VoiceTeam 2020: Peas in a Pod, Voiceteam 2020





	Commentary for "you looked at death in a tarot card (and you saw what you had to do)" written by SashaSea and podficced by Flowerparrish

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [[Podfic of] you looked at death in a tarot card (and you saw what you had to do)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24203791) by [Flowerparrish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flowerparrish/pseuds/Flowerparrish). 
  * Inspired by [you looked at death in a tarot card (and you saw what you had to do)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18904843) by [SashaSea (SHCombatalade)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHCombatalade/pseuds/SashaSea). 



> This is a very informal interview between two friends: SashaSea, the fanfic author, and Flowerparrish (Jenny), the podficcer. This commentary was produced for the VoiceTeam 2020 "Commentary" Challenge, although we did a little more than they probably expected or intended.
> 
> Rated T because we curse a lot, and for some reason most of Flowerparrish's cursing made it in. Also, note, we both use "gay" not as a derogatory term (as we, like, _are_ gay) but instead just to mean like "wow I love you a gross amount," and so "that's gay" has become a term of endearment between us. If that bothers you, maybe don't listen to this? Like it's up to you, I (Flowerparrish) just wanted to put that out there.  
> The streaming version is transcribed; this is the shorter version of questions and answers in their most streamlined form (although we still talk a lot). 
> 
> There is also a longer form in which we go off on tangents, including: talking about how we became friends; talking around why Sasha didn't want to watch Teen Wolf; explaining why we like to write and read about Seth as a character; defending that choice; have vocal opinions we are warning you they are just our opinions do not @ us; discussing why Andrew's character makes SO MUCH SENSE when you understand the context of him being from Oakland, CA in the 90s; talking about why Sasha believes Tilda was a drug dealer (and Jenny agrees); talking about why the twins are half Vietnamese in every fic Sasha writes, as backed up by statistics and science; and generally a lot of goofing and a gross amount of being lit majors who read too deeply into things. If you want to listen to us talk for over an hour, that is UP TO YOU, and we wanted to give you that opportunity.

**Short Version:**

**Long Version:** [Google Drive](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1WcpL_4OFeV9t0iM3CIdjCSobxxya03iI/view?usp=sharing)

**Transcription of Short(er) Interview** :

[Questions will be bolded, and answers will be delineated by SS (SashaSea) and FP (Flowerparrish).]

SS: Okaaaay, so, I'm now recording. We got ten minutes into our... I guess it's an "interview" but that sounds like really professional considering we were bullshitting about my grandma for ten minutes....

[both laugh]

 _SS: ...but anyway,_ before we realized I forgot to record, so we missed all of that. But it's fine, I'm recording now.

FP: Do you want to start or do you want me to start?

SS: Well, I feel like, since we're interviewing the podficcer.... like, isn't that the whole point of this thing? Is it's like _interview with the podficcer..._

FP: I mean, the point is to interview the podficcer but also I really like this fic and I want to interview you too, so like... it doesn't really matter, this is for fun anyway.

SS: I feel like "interview" is such a weird word, because like you sit down for a business interview, where instead we're just bullshitting on the phone like we've done in the past, just for funsies, or like... at a Mexican restaurant. [laughs]

FP: I mean, yeah, also, technically it's called _Commentary,_ so we're just providing _commentary_ that like-

SS: _oh my god we're Mystery Science Theatre-ing this_

FP: Yes! Also, you'll notice on the actual word doc, it's "interview" in quotation marks because [laughs] we're not capable of being serious.

SS: I did notice that! I like that it's "interview" in quotation marks but "questions" is not? When I'm like, I feel like-

FP: No, 'cause like, they're _real questions._

SS: I mean they are!

FP: It's just a fake interview.

SS: It's totally fake. We're like... every interview with celebrities on a press tour where they're not actually in the room as their interviewer.

FP: We're the worst, we should do this.

SS: Okay, so I'll do- we'll just go in order.

**Q for FP: Why is this project meaningful to you?**

FP: Okay, so... on the basic level, this project is meaningful to me because originally it was a gift _for_ me, and I wanted it to be a gift from me back to you when I made the podfic, because our birthdays are like twinning. Not really, but close.

SS: Close, yeah.

FP: But also, it combines _all of my favorite things_ into one thing, and I've been a fan of your writing since way before we were friends-

SS: _oh my god I know_

FP: -so yeah, the chance to podfic something of yours, especially something you wrote _for me,_ is just... epic.

**Q for SS: Why was this project meaningful to you (either writing the fic or receiving the podfic)?**

SS: Okay, well, we're gonna do both. Writing it was really meaningful to me because.... I have, like, my weird, super neurotic, possessive Gemini ways of expressing love for people, and the two ways top ways that I express love for the people I consider mine are: I write them stories and I steal their clothing and make it my own. So, obviously, with you living in Boston, I can't come break into your house and steal things out of your house, but... I can totally write you things! So that's why it was meaningful to me. This is like my primary form of letting people know how much I love them, if I write you a story. Because it's like, look, I put time into this and it's a thing I enjoy and it's my form of escapism. So it's like, I'm opening the doors of my kingdom and letting you know that you are allowed to come in whenever you want.

SS: ANYWAY so the podfic is meaningful- oh my god, I'm gonna get emotional, we're gonna get INTO it for a second, okay- so I have been partaking in fanfiction online, both reading and writing, for a really long time, 'cause I'm super old, and I'm not gonna give an exact year, because I don't want anyone to look up my old fanfiction.net account that I don't know the login for and can't delete... [babbling for a bit] The point is, because I was a child, I had really child-like goals for myself, and I was like, "I'm gonna know I've made it as a fanfiction writer when someone does a piece of art for one of my stories." Like, that's it, that's how you know you've made it. _New York Times_ Bestselling Author? Don't know her. But if someone draws a picture for one of my stories? That's it! Game over! I have done it! I have peaked! (I was really, really young.)

SS: But the point is, someone made _a whole entire fucking audiobook_ of something I wrote! Like there is _days_ of effort into this, and _love,_ and not only was it some random person doing it, but it was one of my best friends, and I love you. It all comes back to the fact that it's _this_ story, because this story, yeah, I wrote it, but it doesn't really belong to me anymore, because it's this shared space we've created.... That's all really gay. 

FP: That _is_ really gay.

SS: [laughing] Shut up! The point is that it's meaningful to me because there's so much love that went into me writing it and you recording it, and now we're both writing in the universe and it's still expanding, and it's just! [sigh]

**Q for FP: What was your thought process in making this podfic?**

FP: OKay, so my thought process... in making this... was that we were talking (as we do constantly, all day, every day), and I was also podficcing (as I also do constantly, all day, every day), and I was like, "yo I'm going to podfic something of yours because I want to experiment and you're my friend so you won't be mad if it sucks," and you were like, "oh my god, I'll literally cry if you podfic something of mine." And I did something short for my challenge (because I just needed to get it done), but I was like, _wait, wait. If you think you'll cry when I podfic a short fic of yours, imagine how many tears I can make you cry... if I podfic the Teen Wolf AU._

FP: So my whole thought process going in to making this podfic was that I love my friend so much and have no other way to express it than telling them and _also_ spending five days non-stop making a podfic.

SS: Also gay.

FP: Also gay.

**Q for SS: Why did you pick the song for the title?**

SS: Oh, okay.... it just fit...? The song just fits the vibe. There were three songs that were all percolating around as the song for this story, or whatever, but it just fit the vibe. Obviously Los Angeles plays no part in the story, like, no one dies in LA... or do they? There _are_ sequels, it could happen...

SS: ANYWAY, like, it's _the vibe._ It's all about the vibe. _The aesthetic._

FP: I mean also, it fits _really fucking well,_ as we learned from the podfic.

SS: Oh it totally does! Because it's the vibe. The lyrics... and the harmony, the melody- the vibe! It's about the vibe!

SS: The series title is actually from a Billy Joel song, and there was also a different song as well, but it didn't fit the vibe as well. _Literally,_ it's about the vibe; I do it all for the aesthetic.

**Q for FP: What did you learn from making the podfic?**

FP: Um, well. I learned that I can only record audio for about an hour at a time before I _literally_ cannot talk anymore. I also learned how to change the volume of tracks and sections of tracks. But like, I didn't- [giggles] -do a very good job of it on this one, it's wildly inconsistent, but I learned how to do it in theory and maybe I'll get better.

SS: Well you're gonna get a lot of practice doing this, because my air conditioner is on and I've been drinking coffee this whole time, and I'm sure my mic has picked all of that up.

FP: Good, I'm so glad. Can't wait.

**Q for SS: Who was your favorite character to write in this AU?**

SS: Oh! Um, I really feel like my favorite character to write in this AU is... probably Seth, just because I feel like he's such a blank slate of a character that there's so much to explore with him. Because he is a douchebag- like _all the other Foxes are-_ but in a different way. Because they're douchebags but in a way that is somehow seen as redeemable, whereas he is not, so you're able to sort of... build up these jagged pieces and decide what's lying underneath them...

SS: He's like the iceberg that took out the Titanic! Which is a really weird metaphor, but it's like, he is this very sharp, jagged, dangerous thing: but you don't know how big he is underneath! You don't know! All you know is that he sunk the Titanic; you don't know the hidden depths.

FP: You said, "you don't know how big he is underneath," and my brain went, "ayyyy, Big Dick Seth!"

[both laughing]

SS: But hey though! What if!

**Q for FP: What, if anything, was different in the process of creating this podfic from other projects you've done?**

FP: Okay, so, first off it was the longest thing I've done yet, which in itself made it inherently more of a challenge. Secondly, I did it in a shorter [span of] time than my other longer work. [My other long work](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19054450), I worked on that for a few weeks, probably a month, maybe two... this one I did in five days where all I did was eat, sleep, and podfic, and-

SS: You didn't sleep, don't lie to the people.

FP: Uh, I slept a little? I slept a couple of the five days. There was sleeping that happened; it probably wasn't a "normal" amount of sleep, but like, I did sleep a little!

FP: I also at one point, when I was recording, started recording, forgot I had ordered food, got a burrito, ate a burrito, it was very spicy, and then my mouth was having trouble forming the words when I went back to recording, so, Easter Egg, try to find that part.

SS: Oh my god, I was just about to say: "where's the burrito scene?" I'm gonna have to find your spicy voice.

FP: You found my happy voice, so like...

SS: I did! But now I have to find spicy voice.

FP: Oh, there's another Easter Egg for you all. There was one scene where I had forgot- I forget everything, I have a very bad memory-

SS: Look we've been over my memory problems.

FP: So like, I read chapter three, but then I forgot it in the couple months it took me to record this, so I was having fun just like... reading all of this for essentially the first time again. So, I got really excited when Nicky came in and stopped recording- it's just dead silence for like a minute as I start reading ahead- and then I come back and I'm just smiling super huge as I recorded. And I messaged Sasha, who did not know what I was working on, and I was like, "Yo, I just got so _hype_ about this fic that you can hear me smiling in the recording," and Sasha was like, "I love that," and so I kept it in.

FP: Oh, also, I wrote something in my transcription notes [...] and what I said was, "I literally became wholly absorbed in this world, and it's honestly been very jarring to be done with it, because I just keep wanting to do more" and... I wanted to tell you that, because... _gay._

SS: Gay, but it's also your way of telling me to write the sequel.

FP: It _is_ also my way of telling you to write the sequel because I have podficced all of it and I need more. [laughs]

**Q for SS: What was the hardest scene to write?**

SS: Um... Okay, so, I'm probably the only person who noticed this, because I am, like, conscious of my own writing process (because I'm doing it), but also because I'm such a perfectionist about writing that it bothers me when I think things aren't good enough, but sometimes I just give up and throw sentences together to get from point A to point B. So I feel like the hardest scene to write was probably one of the scenes where I gave up and literally was like... "Okay I don't even care if it sounds good or not, I'm just gonna string these sentences together to explain what needs to happen so I can get back on track."

SS: You know what, you're about to be _really_ mad at me.

FP: Oh god, I know what you're going to say before you even say it.

SS: The scene where I just 100% gave up, was like "look I don't give a fuck anymore, I'm just putting some sentences together, they're terrible trash sentences and I hate this entire scene, it took me like 3 weeks to write" is the Seth and Neil talking about high school in the car.

FP: [laughing] I fucking knew it!

SS: [cackling]

FP: [laughter in voice] And you know what? That's my _favorite fucking scene_ and I don't feel bad about it!

SS: I know it is! I know it is! That's why I was like, "oh, you're gonna be _real_ mad" because that was the hardest scene to write, that's the scene where I'm like, "I hate this scene and I give up on it, I'm just gonna throw random sentences together, I don't care what happens, I don't care if it's good, I just want it out of my life." It's like that scene probably.

FP: Yeah but now it's given you the gift of [a whole AU for your AU,](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24281539) so...

SS: I know! Which is awesome, but also like... that was probably the hardest scene to write? And in the end I didn't even try, I just gave up and threw like... I was just like, "Okay, I just need to end this so we can get back on track," because it's right before they find Nicky? So I had to be like, "Okay, we just gotta get to Nicky, okay, we're just gonna fucking... I don't care anymore, END THIS CONVERSATION."

FP: That honestly feels like... when I write things and I'm like, "this is the BEST thing I've ever written," and people are like, "Yeah, this is good." And then I write things and I'm like, "this is trash, I threw it together at 2 am while half asleep," and people are like, "this is _amazing,"_ and I'm like.... "why?"

SS: Yeah, that's how I feel about that scene.

FP: Yeah! So I get it.

**Q for FP: What was your favorite scene to record?**

FP: Okay, my favorite scene to record is the scene where they go to see Nicky, because I forgot everything and then it made me really happy... um, but also [laughter in voice] that scene is my favorite scene to relisten to, so.

SS: I like that we unintentionally put those questions together.

FP: I think I talk about it later, too, it's like right at the end... yeah, we'll get back to this.

FP: So, yeah, anyway, very short answer, my favorite scene to record was the Nicky scene, because I fucking love Nicky. Also, like, that scene gets INTENSE, Neil's a **_DICK_**.

SS: Yeah he is!

FP: Oh, I love it. And Seth is like, "Whoa. C _hill."_

SS: Yeah, Seth is in the background like, "Um, listen, something not so chill happened last night..." [laughs] Like literally Seth is like, "Bro, you're my best friend and I love you," and then twenty minutes after that conversation he's like, "I'm gonna _go,_ just like, be alone for a couple minutes; don't look at me, don't talk to me, I have changed my opinion of you. Friendship with Neil ended, Nicky is my best friend now."

FP: [laughing]

**Q for SS: What was the easiest scene to write?**

SS: Oh, I don't know. I feel like... I'm trying to think about what scene was easiest, I don't... I don't know! I feel like that's such, like, a... I can't quantify it, I don't know.

FP: Was there ever a scene you were, like, really vibing with it as you wrote it?

SS: Oh, for sure! See, you have to put it in terms I understand. I'm like, "Easy, I don't know what that is," but you're like, "what about the vibe," and I'm like, "Oh, the _vibe!"_

SS: That last section, the one that starts... you know, when it talks about Neil coming home and them stopping at the gas station and returning to the house? I probably had that written within the first 24 hours of starting the project. Like, literally, I 100% knew; I had that scene written, that was _done._

SS: Um, what's another scene I really vibed with? Oh, you know the very first scene that was ever written for this AU? The _first_ first scene? It's such a throwaway scene that I think in the grand scheme of the story, it gets completely ignored, but it was the _first_ scene written. It was when I was like, "Okay, alright, I watched exactly two episodes of Teen Wolf after drinking half a bottle of wine so I could start this AU, and I'll watch the rest of the season tomorrow so I can really get into it, but this is like... Alright, let's _do it,_ let's get into it! Let's get a feel for the world; let's get a feel for how the characters fit into it, let's do it!" ...was the scene in chapter one with the hedgewitch, the one where Andrew is really pissed off that it's raining.

FP: I love that scene!

SS: That's the first scene I wrote, I like... drank half a bottle of wine because I needed the fortitude to watch Teen Wolf. [laughs]

FP: That's the scene that feels the most Teen Wolf vibey to me-

SS: [distantly] Yeah!

FP: -but also like the most... It's like somehow the _most_ Sterek and yet the _most_ Neil and Andrew at the same time.

SS: That was, I wanna say, probably the easiest, because I was like... I didn't know where I was going yet, I hadn't plotted anything out, I was just trying to get a feel for how the world felt and how it fit, and so that scene was probably easiest to write in retrospect. That was the one where I was like, "Alright, we're dipping our toes in the water, let's do this!"

**Q for FP: How and when did you get into podficcing?**

FP: Okay, so I got into podficcing, like, a _super fucking long time ago._ I recorded my first podfics in 2013- fun fact, most of them were Sterek, none of them are still on AO3- [laughs] um, only one of the original podfics still exists; it was recorded around 2013-ish, it's [a 00Q fanfic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/562227) from when I was really into Skyfall... but yeah, anyway, I stopped recording when I went to college because, like, where does one record in college? That's not a thing. And then I got back into it last year, the start of 2019, I was home for Christmas break (in Fresno) and I was going fucking crazy (as one does when you're stuck in Fresno), so I was like "I'm gonna get back into podficcing, and I'm gonna podfic... just anything by this one author I really like," it's a winterhawk author, she's called flawedamythyst [babbles incoherently for a bit]

SS: It's fine, I know that author, I've read stuff. I've read things.

FP: So I recorded a fic of hers, with permission of course, and then I was like, "wait, this was really fun? maybe I wanna do more of this," and I just slowly started doing more and more, and then life got crazy again, and I kind of stopped for a bit, and then VoiceTeam happened! And the mods, one of the mods reached out to me with their official tumblr and was like, "Hey, we're just running this podfic event, and if you want to join that'd be totally cool; we're just trying to spread the word," and I was like, "I mean, I'm really busy for the first half of May, but they said it's lowkey and you can participate as much as you want, so maybe I'll just join and hang out and pick up some tips," and then I joined and it became _my entire fucking life,_ and I've podficced more [laughs] in the last less than a month than I did in the entire 7 years up to that point, so... This is great; anyway, that's the entire reason this podfic exists, aaaand I've had a lot of fun doing this.

SS: And we love and appreciate all the work, because we get to listen.

FP: That's true, this is actually the podfic that I think the most people have told me they enjoyed. No, [the first one I did [in 2019]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17278550) is the one people have told me they enjoyed the most, because it's been out for so long. But this is the one that's gotten the most feedback the quickest.

SS: It's what it deserves.

FP: Thank you. I worked really hard on it.

**Q for SS: Without spoiling the future of the series, was there anything you had to cut that you wish you'd been able to fit in?**

SS: Okay, without spoiling... So, obviously, the big twist at the end is that you find out Mary is alive, or at least was alive last spring. Originally, Mary was going to be involved in the Big Gay Murder Road Trip (which is what we call chapter three). But I ultimately, acknowledging that I am a disaster human and that this was already so far past the deadline that I thought I was going to be done with it, I completely surgically excised her from the story. Most of her part then went to Nicky, and then the Canadian Grandma was originally going to be Mary as well. That was going to be where they met her, in Canada, but instead I created Canadian Grandma.

FP: I mean, I love Canadian Grandma, as I told you an hour ago, so.

SS: We all love Canadian Grandma. Yeah, but I guess I kind of wish I had kept that story line, but it just felt like too much! Because ultimately the story is about Neil, and it's about his journey. I mean, in the first scene there's multiple references to how he feels like he doesn't belong here, this isn't his world; he is just kind of an unwilling participant slash spectator. And then over the course of the story, he... He doesn't join that world so much as change the world to make space for him, you know? As a human being, he uses the fact that he's a human as a weapon instead of a disadvantage and ends up actually creating his own pack, like...

FP: Which is a quiet nod to [Green Creek](https://www.goodreads.com/series/206510-green-creek).

SS: It _is!_ Because I also know you love that, and I was trying to cram as many things as you love into this one story. Anyway, so, I did cut a lot of the Mary, but then at the end was like... I _knew,_ as soon as I knew I was not gonna have her story line - 'cause there was gonna be so much more on the journey, they were gonna find out why she left, what caused her to leave Beacon Hills, the fact that she's from this hunter family- the whole thing was gonna come up over the course of them slowly running and defeating Riko, but I was like, "this is too much, it really takes it away from Neil's story to make it about Mary," and also, over the course of the story he slowly stops referring to Nathan and Mary as Mom and Dad, and starts referring to them as his mother, his father, and then even by name and he slowly starts referring to Wymack as his father, so it's a whole story about family and him finally settling in to this family he's built, and it really took it away to have Mary in it. So then I was like... as soon as I knew I was cutting her, I was like, "well, guess now there's a sequel, because I really do need to tell this story with Mary and all this stuff," so I threw in at the end like, "by the way, she's alive, haha!" and and I was like, "okay, cool, that'll be a story for another time."

FP: Yeah, I think it turned out the best that it could've. I think you did what needed to be done.

SS: Yeah, I don't- I know the question is " _what do you wish you had been able to fit in?"_ I don't wish I had kept it. As soon as I made the decision that I was gonna cut this entire story line and scrap it, and possibly recycle it for a sequel, I was like, "You know what? This feels right; this is good; we're doing a good thing here."

FP: Yeah. Okay, cool.

**Q for FP: What do you like most about podfics?**

FP: I listen to podfic so goddamn much that... I have had podfics I listened to where I then went back and tried to actually _read_ the stories, and I heard all of the words in the podficcer's voice that I didn't know I had memorized. So it's kind of cool imagining that someone, someday, might read this story and hear part of it in my voice, that's so wild to me. And if it's anyone, it's gonna be you, because you've listened to it _so many times,_ and I like that.

SS: But that implies that I a) know how to read and b) go back and read my own works ever.

FP: That's true.

SS: But like! If I did, I would for sure hear it in your voice.

FP: Yeah, so, I just think that's really cool. I like podfic because it helps... me, also, just, on a personal level? I have anxiety like _really bad,_ and when I try to fall asleep at night I have panic attacks. So my coping mechanism when I was in high school was to download fics onto my kindle and then have the text-to-speech read them to me? And then I discovered podfics existed and which was obviously better. So I listened to podfics to sleep and, like, I still do this most nights. And that's why some of these stories are so important to me. So my favorite comments that I've ever gotten are from people who say, "I listened to this to fall asleep and it was really great and really helpful," and I'm like, "wow, I'm doing the thing that other people have done for me! That's all I want in the world!"

**Q for SS: How many times did you cry listening to the podfic the first time, and how many times do you cry now?**

SS: So, I specifically put this in as a joke when we were writing these questions; I was like, _haha,_ now it's here and I'm like, _"oh, regret."_

SS: I cried so many times the first time. First, I cried when I realized what you had done, and I was sobbing that you had done this. I think I sent you a Snapchat of me crying.

FP: You did; you sent me a lot of Snapchats of you crying. It was really good.

SS: Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know, I was crying a lot.

SS: And then, um, this is gonna sound like - I don't know if this is gonna sound stupid or not, but... When I listen to the podfic, there's a total disconnect from it being something I've written, because I generally don't read my own stories? It's not even that I don't want to, maybe it's ADHD brain, but like, once the words leave my brain and end up written down, I have accomplished my goal. I have told whatever story I wanted to tell, and I'm over it. Anyway, yeah, there's such a disconnect when I listen to the podfic. It's not like, it doesn't even feel to me like _oh my god, someone's reading my story._ It's like, this is a whole entire- not even story, because I'm not reading it, it's like an immersive universe, and I'm like this is a whole universe I get to immerse myself in, and it almost feels new to me, I guess, because... it bridges that disconnect I have with my own work? Because you're reading it and I'm listening... So like, I cry and things happen and I'll laugh, and I'm like, "oh my god, that's _funny,"_ and I'm like, "ooh, Jenny, you're so funny!"

FP: [laughs]

SS: Literally, it's just completely... I get emotionally invested and I'm like, "oh my god, you've created this world I'm so emotionally drawn to," and it's a whole thing. Like there were a couple of times yesterday when I was driving, and I was like, "oh my god, you're so fucking funny. Listen to my funny-ass friend tell this funny-ass story!"

SS: I mean, I cry when things get really emotional... Okay, the one thing, the ultimate moment for me that I will cry _every single time,_ and I've noticed this, this is the moment when I can't FUNCTION, is the end of chapter two where it's like, Neil says goodbye, and he breaks his phone, and there's a moment of silence... and the music drops! I'm like! [incoherent noises for a bit] OH THE VIBES. THE VIBES ARE **IMPECCABLE.**

**Q for FP: What is your favorite scene in this fic?**

FP: Okay, when I wrote this, when I wrote my "I'm a professional who can do things" thing, I had three answers.

SS: Okay. I want all of them.

FP: You're getting all of them. That was non-negotiable. So, favorite scene in the fic, the cop-out answer: every scene where Neil and Seth interact, so all of chapter three.

SS: Valid.

FP: Otherwise, favorite scene when I'm reading the fic is when Seth and Neil talk about being on the lacrosse team in high school.

SS: [muffled noise of exultation]

FP: "Want to hear something crazy? I fought for it to be you," because that's just _gay as shit,_ and I feel it. And that also inspired my AU of your AU which people should read and then tell me is good, because no one's gonna read that if they... well, someone actually already read it even though they hadn't read your fic. [laughs]

SS: [laughing] And they were like, "What's happening?"

FP: No! And they were like, "This is really good," and I was like, "oh, _thank you."_

SS: 'Cause it is really good! But it's like... it's one of those things where it's like, _oh, you went into this not knowing the context? That's chill. I love it._ I love that human being, wherever they are.

FP: Yeah, it's like, I was just like... vibing. That's cool. Anyway, my favorite scene to listen to in the podfic is "In a secluded field, in the wilds of Maine, Neil Josten stops running."

SS: [gasp of joy]

FP: Every time that line comes on, I get overwhelmed with the most peaceful of fields, and then right after it Riko dies and I feel really fucking triumphant, and then everything winds down and I feel really, really _soft._ So that is the key moment in which I'm like, everything is gonna be good from here on out. There will be no bad feelings.

SS: [happy sigh] I love it. I love that you get that feeling, because like... Here's your commentary, so: I originally wrote an actual final boss battle, you know what I mean? It was dramatic, it was intense, it had a lot of parallels to that first scene when they fight Riko and they have no idea what to expect, and also Neil is some teenage kid who the worst thing that's ever happened to him is that his brother got bitten by a werewolf, but he has otherwise lived like a kind of decent life? Like, okay, his dad's a serial killer and his mother abandoned him, but like... in retrospect it's not _that bad._ [laughing] You know what I mean? Like, I can excuse- I can excuse murder and abandonment, but I draw the line at your brother getting bitten by a werewolf.

SS: And then, like, it was a whole parallel scene, and then I was like, "You know what? It gives Riko too much importance." For all that the story starts with Neil and Riko fighting, and the large conflict is Neil running because of Riko threatening to kill his family, ultimately the story is not about Neil and Riko. So giving it that boss battle made them equally important, and it was too much of giving in to those delusions of grandeur that Riko had. Because his whole point is that he's gonna kill a bunch of alpha werewolves so he can take out his brother and assume command of the pack. But he gets sidetracked by this human who is a super big douchebag to him and hits him right in the pride-balls. So, it just really gave him too much validation to give him a boss battle scene.

SS: So instead I was like, y'know what? There's gonna be a really soft scene where these three who have gone through so much are able to finally relax because they realize it's over and they're gonna be fine. And they get their final taunts in, but they don't- they're so passive in that scene, like the three of them are basically just huddling for warmth and leaning against their car, like, "You know what? This is chill. We're taking it in, everything's great, aaaand it's over." And I was like, they deserve this. They deserve it. We deserve it.

FP: I mean, you were right.

SS: Thank you. I'm glad.

FP: I deserved it.

SS: You did! And also, the three of them deserved it after everything they had gone through. Just let them have their softness. Especially 'cause like, they fought really hard to get to the place in their relationship that they all end up in at the end where they're super tight-knit, and I'm like, you know what? Just let them have a moment, let them have... Let them have their zen moment in a field where they get to watch someone get _destroyed_ and then they can go home.

**Q for SS: What is your favorite scene to listen to?**

SS: Ohhhhhhhh. Um. I guess I also have like three answers.

FP: Okay.

SS: I like... I _love_ the scene where they find Nicky, only because you start like grinning halfway through and you can hear it, and I love that! 'Cause then I start smiling really big and I'm like, _oh my god, there's so much joy in this moment._ There's the infectious joy that I can hear, so I love that.

SS: Um, I love listening to, I know this is gonna sound really weird, but the scene at the beginning where Neil is in the hospital? And he's talking to Kevin about everything? Because that was where that disconnect that I talked about really hit, where I was like, I'm not listening to this as "I wrote these words and I'm gonna notice if a sentence sounds choppy or I was like 'oh my gosh I wanted to say this'," I was just really enjoying the story. Because you were doing the voices between the two, and there was like emotions and inflection involved, and that was where I really first let myself be removed from caring about the actual written work and just enjoy the story you were telling me... 

SS: ...but then ultimately my favorite scene to listen to, _every single time,_ is the end of chapter two. 'Cause that is where it goes from being like, okay, again, aside from all the murder and the abandonment and the werewolves, it's a happy story! They're having such a great life! And then they aren't. And there's like, the, you build up the goodbye, and you're like, _oh my god,_ and then like, there's silence, and you're sitting here like _oh my god,_ and then the music HITS! And that's like... I mean like I don't understand how people can't give an Academy Award to that scene in the podfic right there! Literally, like, _the cinnamon topography_ of it! Where like! The goodbye, and the silence... AND THE MUSIC, and you're like _fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,_ and then the music fades out, and you're like **_Noooooo,_** and then it starts again and the story has like a very different _feel,_ and you're already really keyed up, and I love that moment, I love it. I love it.

FP: I'm so glad. I'm so glad you love it.

FP: This was fun. We talked for... almost two hours.

SS: It would've been two hours, but I forgot to record the beginning! I keep checking that it like that it is still recording. It is, we're good, we don't have to do this again.


End file.
